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Posted by
nobodylair.37 March 15, 2017 -
Filed in
Emotions
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1,198 views
I need someome to find me. I don't know who that someone is and I'm not sure of my ability to bestow them with the desire to find me.. but I could really use them right about now.
I've always realized I'm an outcast, not necessarily 'different', just someone who doesn't quite belong, what I didn't know was how the feeling will continue on growing into adulthood. To be honest, I don't feel all that "adult-y" but I recognize I fall under that category whether I liked it or not. I thought things were going to be different, they are, but some thing do not only stay the same -- they're an enlarged copy of themselves -- which sucks cause I don't know how to deal with this and neither do I have the desire to.
So.. I need.. someone.
It doesn't have to be a person or even a mammal for that matter, just a force to blow me out of this mental place cause it's pretty sickening here. I realize as I'm writing this I've been repeating it for a while now, maybe not out loud, but inside my head. Which means I've been living with it for a while, which means I should be used to its features and the smell it reeks inside of me.. but.. I'm.. not.
I've lost so many battles before, some I revelled in losing, like a professional in the field of failure, others I bowed my head and drowned in my own shadows, but this one is different, this one doesn't feel like fighting, it doesn't feel like there's an end goal and someone declaring someone the winner and the other a loser. This one feels like a companion, not a rival. A companion I didn't get to choose, but one I get to carry around like a stillborn that's still beating. It's not a burden, it's just part of me. Is it a part of who I am? I'm not sure, I haven't taught it to answer questions yet.
..maybe cause I'm not sure of what the answer would mean to me, and how mean it would be to me. so for now, I'll just try to find an exist to take a breather. Oxygen is a doable plan.. for now.